HSSI How To Get With Your Boss's Daughter

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"How To Get With Your Boss's Daughter"

So lately you’ve been fishing around for a girlfriend but you haven’t been very successful. You might go to bars, dance clubs, shows, speed dates, or you might be set up with your friends. As smart as you are, you probably figured out that you might not have a lot in common with the opposite sex in general. (Chances are if the title caught your eye and you’re reading this, you are probably a weirdo who thinks you are alone in the universe. It’s OK man. I’m right beside you.) You logically figure out that it might be better to date someone you have ties with another person. That way you have something, especially someone, to talk about. The first person who pops into your head should obviously be your boss’s daughter.

That’s right: your boss’s daughter. Hi, my name is Nick Casas and I’ve been going on dates with women who happen to be related to my bosses for over ten years. I went out with the sister of my manager at McDonald’s when I was sixteen-years-old until now, a twenty-seven-year-old assistant executive producer of Walt Disney studios going out with Michael Eisner’s daughter. I’m sitting down at my comfortable downtown New York City office telling you how you can successfully get with your boss’s daughter and still get work after the breakup. I can safely guarantee that you’ll get to first base and then maybe hit a home run with her. Just remember that I’m not doing all of the work; you are. You can and will do this.

First, get a job. I prefer if you get an office job with a male boss. I can’t stand dealing with female bosses. They’re always more protective when it comes to kin, and plus they’re not easily fooled. Meanwhile, male bosses tend to be more understanding and tend to have a lot more in common. Regardless, an office job is a must.

If all goes well, you should be hired and take about two or three weeks to be comfortable with your surroundings. Second, dress up like a thief. Wear all black and a red polka-dotted facemask to hide like one of those old western bank robbers. Rummage through the company’s permanent records of employees and staff in this attire. See if the target boss has a daughter just your age. Quit this job and start from square one if he doesn’t have one. Keep repeating until your boss and his daughter is an easy target. If you happen to set off a security alarm, you now have a criminal record. But that’s OK! It’s easy to get a fresh start. Merely “forget” to put it on your next application and résumé.

As you go about your workday, try always getting on your boss’s good side. You could like the same ball team or rock band. For example, say that you love Rush even though you can’t stand Geddy Lee's voice. Just agree on almost everything he says except for a few things. Otherwise, he’ll think you are a brownnoser. And for God’s sake, I can’t stress this enough: say, “Yes sir, Mr. Duffer [or any last name]” after every sentence until he says, “Sonny boy, don’t call me ‘sir.’ Call me Rob [or any first name].”

If everything runs smoothly and your boss is that thickheaded, he will invite you over for dinner. There are multiple reasons why he might want you over for dinner in the first place. It might be to inflate his ego by showing off that he is a true rich man by flaunting off his family and his hot daughter, or it might be to see what you’re like outside the office and out of the monkey suit. Either way, you’re going to have to show brand new first impressions. Your job is one thing, but your life is another. Speaking of being out of the monkey suit, wear something along the lines of a polo shirt with khaki pants. You’re not being a slob nor you are a workaholic.

As you enter the home, do not wonder how drunk the interior decorator must have been when he or she designed the living room. If anything, refrain from surroundings and look at your hosts in the eyes. Shake your boss’s hand in a firm fashion as he greets you inside his “castle” and pat his back. It gets a bit complicated as you get to his daughter so read carefully. Look her straight in the eye and give her a warm friendly handshake. If she’s ugly, don’t cringe. Just simply admit to yourself that you’re stuck with her since you’ve gotten this far. If she’s gorgeous, try not to show a bulge. Doing everything so far, conversation should come easy because you know the in and outs of this family. Make sure you charm the daughter with jokes. She should be touching you underneath the table right now (congratulations).

Once you break up with your boss’s daughter, things will get very awkward around the office. It’s no sweat. Simply do your work without the same zing he is used to. He’ll eventually notice that you’re too heart-broken to give one hundred and ten percent and he’ll feel a lot of sympathy for you. The boss will gently lay you off and give you pay until you find another job because supposedly you two are the best of friends.

There are a lot of things you have to rely on when you do this: how stupid your boss actually is, how desperate the daughter is, how you present yourself, and your looks. No one could ever get away with this if they have a big lump on their forehead or they have a lisp. Major idiotic executives want flawless American Joes who will always say yes sir. They want men who wear polos with tags that say Made in America because like themselves, they are made in America. These people are worshiped because they’re contributing to the economy and making better real Americans. These are your typical Americans. You have to understand that these bosses are cold-blooded monsters that will stop at nothing to make more money off of hard working people. In order to appease a cold-blooded monster, you have to fit in their shoes and feed them what they want: a boyfriend for their daughter who will make a lot of money for them and who is on their side, not necessarily their daughter’s.

Just remember that after following these instructions closely and practicing in out-of-state businesses, you too can get with your boss’s daughter. I encourage you to try this and you’ll be able to do it because you know you can. Good luck and may God bless your dear soul.